Stupid Charming Boys

So Monday night Sean was asking me about going into surgery and he caressed the side of my neck with the back of his hand. Looking up into his brown eyes while he did that...I about melted. What is it about that type of guy, you know, the intelligent, highly logical, abrasively honest, smooth talking, beautiful inside and out, that I fall for all the time? They leave me breathless.

Comparitively, Tuesday night I asked Ben to come up to my room before he left the house after the youth meeting. I needed a hug. And that was a rather difficult request because he had previously stated that he was uncomfortable hugging me still. But he did anyway, in fact, held me for a little while. He asked if I was scared. He was the first and only person that I admitted it to. His words of wisdom to me..."If you weren't scared it wouldn't require faith". Strangely enough, it made me feel better.

Two guys, very different and yet very similar to one another. Why me?

Tonight Ben confided in me something that happened to him today...well, more like something that had happened to him but he just found out about...whatev, this isn't about his story. The point is...he confided in me. I suddenly had a sense of loss. I wanted to confide in him..all the things that I have been feeling lately. Shanon and Jessyca are great...but they're not my best friend that I used to have. Mostly I think it's that they are not the person that I will one day 'become one with'. As much as Ben can piss me off right now, I found myself missing him, missing talking to him. He did hug be good-bye tonight.

And Sean? Well, I like him alot. I learned alot about myself in the short time that I've spent with him. I'd love toget to know him more. But he's not interrested in being that guy for me. We're at a point of agreeing to be friends that happen to be attracted to eachother but recognize that our differences are too great. Hence his picking up on girls at the party the other night. He basically shows casual polite disinterrest in me. Sucks.

So, for the male gender in my life, I'm currently stuck between the guy that I no longer want and who doesn't want me and the guy that I wish I could let myself want and who doesen't want me unless it includes being inside my pants too.

Sex *sigh*...it's more annoying to me right now than anything.

I'm trying to be patient...seriously, I am. But according to my girls I am no longer allowed to settle...and that's hard to do when I'm not so sure that a guy that meets my high standards actually exists...