Catching Up

Thunderstorms on Friday night. In the middel of the summer. I love it!! The only strange part was enjoying it from the comfort of my car with Ben... I know how that sounds, but we were coming home from a concert near Hollywood and I had fallen asleep (Ben was driving) and woke up in the car with Ben asleep in the drivers seat. Apparently we were both too tired to actually get up and, for me, walk up the driveway into my house and up the stairs to my bed and, for Ben, to get into his own car and drive three blocks to his dad's house and crawl into his bed there, because we slept there until about 6 in the morning.

However, I would not trade the experiencing the storm from my car for anything. Half asleep hearing the rythm of the rain on the tin roof (it's not actually tin, I just thought it sounded more poetic) the random flashes of light and the deep rumblings that shake your insides. Very romantic. And not in the lovey-dovey-warm-fuzzy kinda romantic but the literary kind of romantic, the world is beautiful even when it's not kind of thing.

I am glad that I experienced that before seeing the movie War of the Worlds on Saturday night. I think I might have freaked out a little, imagining large robotic tripods birthing from the ground to zap people and have it raining clothes instead of water droplets.

The concert, Carlos Olmeda was awesome. Shanon, Ben and I drove up with him and few other fans in his van to the location. A chinese food restaurant with a small venue for performing. How strange is it to be sitting there (at the reserved table, we were 'special') eating orange chicken (Ben don't eat the long pepper things, they're hot) and listening to guys playing accoustic folk rock guitar...it doesn't exactly go together...only in the big cities. And of course Carlos sang the song about Michael Krotch, so all the other side of the restaurant heard was a group of people yelling 'mike-krotch', hilarious. The drive was funny too because our trio was the youngest group there. As Ben put it "it's like we're the cousins at a family reunion that are saying 'thank God your here!' no matter how uncool that other cousin might be".

This morning I had a conversation with Ma'J about Ben. Basically she said that I should not make myself so available to him. And she's right. I had already come to that conclussion myself. This last week has been fun and all, but it's not appropriate. He's got a few things going on in his life and I know that I represent stability and comfort to him. As much as I would like to be able to provide that for him, it's no longer my place. I don't want to be that close to him. All we ever do is end up doing is running arround in circles and I'm tired of playing games. Ma'J said again today that she's not saying it's over between me and him 'and if it were ever to work between you two...' Funny, this time I wasn't sitting there hoping that she was right. In fact I was kind of disbelieving that it will happen. I never wanted to be here. I hate giving up on love. But I had to move on with my life eventually.


Yes, I had a choice to give up, but who wants to live their life loving someone that doesn't love them back? I have too many things that I want and/or am suppossed to do with my life to be held back by that. I know that Ben cares about me, Friday night/Saturday morning proved that, but I don't think with him that will ever be enough for me. It hurt in a dissappointing rather than painful way knowing that he was there not because he really loves me but because of his innate male desire to protect me. It's just not the same because everything I do for him is out of the love that I have for him. I have loved him more than I ever knew was possible. I did not know I was even capable of that much depth. But I have to pull away and let him be, for my sake and for his own. So, I vow that todays post will be the last one for a long while about Ben.