On to Mexico

Ok, I'm off to mexico today. TJ to be exact. I'm on my way to a missions trip through Global Expeditions with the youth group at church, pivotPoint. We will be building houses at a squatters camp. This should be pretty exciting, well, an adventure anyway. I will be keeping a journal and possibly a voice journal on my digital recorder. So if all goes well you will get to read exerpts from my journal and I will post the audio too. Until then, have a great week, love you all!!!!

Catching Up

Thunderstorms on Friday night. In the middel of the summer. I love it!! The only strange part was enjoying it from the comfort of my car with Ben... I know how that sounds, but we were coming home from a concert near Hollywood and I had fallen asleep (Ben was driving) and woke up in the car with Ben asleep in the drivers seat. Apparently we were both too tired to actually get up and, for me, walk up the driveway into my house and up the stairs to my bed and, for Ben, to get into his own car and drive three blocks to his dad's house and crawl into his bed there, because we slept there until about 6 in the morning.

However, I would not trade the experiencing the storm from my car for anything. Half asleep hearing the rythm of the rain on the tin roof (it's not actually tin, I just thought it sounded more poetic) the random flashes of light and the deep rumblings that shake your insides. Very romantic. And not in the lovey-dovey-warm-fuzzy kinda romantic but the literary kind of romantic, the world is beautiful even when it's not kind of thing.

I am glad that I experienced that before seeing the movie War of the Worlds on Saturday night. I think I might have freaked out a little, imagining large robotic tripods birthing from the ground to zap people and have it raining clothes instead of water droplets.

The concert, Carlos Olmeda was awesome. Shanon, Ben and I drove up with him and few other fans in his van to the location. A chinese food restaurant with a small venue for performing. How strange is it to be sitting there (at the reserved table, we were 'special') eating orange chicken (Ben don't eat the long pepper things, they're hot) and listening to guys playing accoustic folk rock guitar...it doesn't exactly go together...only in the big cities. And of course Carlos sang the song about Michael Krotch, so all the other side of the restaurant heard was a group of people yelling 'mike-krotch', hilarious. The drive was funny too because our trio was the youngest group there. As Ben put it "it's like we're the cousins at a family reunion that are saying 'thank God your here!' no matter how uncool that other cousin might be".

This morning I had a conversation with Ma'J about Ben. Basically she said that I should not make myself so available to him. And she's right. I had already come to that conclussion myself. This last week has been fun and all, but it's not appropriate. He's got a few things going on in his life and I know that I represent stability and comfort to him. As much as I would like to be able to provide that for him, it's no longer my place. I don't want to be that close to him. All we ever do is end up doing is running arround in circles and I'm tired of playing games. Ma'J said again today that she's not saying it's over between me and him 'and if it were ever to work between you two...' Funny, this time I wasn't sitting there hoping that she was right. In fact I was kind of disbelieving that it will happen. I never wanted to be here. I hate giving up on love. But I had to move on with my life eventually.


Yes, I had a choice to give up, but who wants to live their life loving someone that doesn't love them back? I have too many things that I want and/or am suppossed to do with my life to be held back by that. I know that Ben cares about me, Friday night/Saturday morning proved that, but I don't think with him that will ever be enough for me. It hurt in a dissappointing rather than painful way knowing that he was there not because he really loves me but because of his innate male desire to protect me. It's just not the same because everything I do for him is out of the love that I have for him. I have loved him more than I ever knew was possible. I did not know I was even capable of that much depth. But I have to pull away and let him be, for my sake and for his own. So, I vow that todays post will be the last one for a long while about Ben.

Jenni look out the window

So ya...I was awake for some odd reason, just thinking to myself, why am I awake I just fell asleep...when Jessyca unexpectedly whispered "Jenni look out the window!" Which confused me at first because I didn't have my contacts on and left my glasses at home so I couldn't figure out why she was asking me to look. But I did anyway. What I saw was a big veil of white all over the tree in the front yard and Ma'J's Tahoe and a bunch of little obscure things looking like ants scurrying arround. It took about .5 seconds for me to put 2 and 2 together. We were getting tp'd. Jessy started to open the window and was trying to figure out what to say, suddenly all movement stopped. Jessyca opened her cell phone with it's extreemly bright lcd light that reaches to the moon and back and a few of them took off running, then she held it up to the window and the rest of them flurried off in a blurry line. Two minutes later we were outfront with Ma'J cleaning up the mess that they had left. They pulled the toilet paper through the door handles of the Tahoe, but also went all the way up her neighbors yard. So, now, mission accomplished I get to crawl back into bed. However, I'm having a hard time falling back asleep. Hence the post at 3 something in the morning.

Someone Familiar

So tonight Ben let me drive his Mustang, his precious Mustang. The only reason I had the guts to ask is because he's planning on selling it.
Anyway, it was a nice ride. I didn't go too fast at first because he was really nervous letting me drive it and made sure I knew that and because I had Shanon and Kyle in the car. But on the ride back from dropping them off, Ben let me kick it up a notch. I took it to about 100mph. It's so nice to drive something that can actually accelerate enough to pass other cars up. I've got to get at least a v6!
Also, Ben had a really bad day today. Two of his kids at work keep causing problems and his supervisor isn't supporting his discipline. Therefore he offered to let me drive the 'kids' (Shanon, I know your 18 now!!) home because he, in his own words, "wanted the company of someone familiar, you know like how sometimes only a hug from me will work for you".
Oh, and he gave me another hug tonight. I'm not quite sure what to think about all this. Especially since I was day dreaming about a conversation with him that basically said that I really wish that he would disappear from my life. Every time I look at him, hear his voice or someone mention his name and I am on some level reminded of the pain of being abandoned, rejected, and betrayed.
Apparently it doesn't matter if I really feel that way or not 'cause it seems that I will always be there for him no matter what I currently think of him. Some might take that as not being 'over him', but I'm not so convinced. I feel that way towards all my ex's. If any of them knocked on my door, I'd be there them. I guess that's what you get for being in love with men. And I mean as the entire gender. Men are just that intriguing.
I met a really fine specimen today. Eddy at the coffee shop. He was beautiful. Jessy was the one to flirt with him though. Why can't I be that bold? Whatev, he turned out to be married anyway. I found the florist for my wedding. Of course I need to have a fiancé first. I came so close once. No dice. Whatev.

Today's:
High-
it's a toss up, you let me know...
a. Ben admitting that he needed me tonight
b. driving the Mustang
c. staying in bed with Shanon all day watching tv
d. Eddy, the really hot guy from the coffee shop
Low-
Getting upset for no reason...stupid thyroid medication that I'm not allowed to take for the next month.
Quote-
"If you punch a shark in the nose they don't like it."
-that was me, followed by the commercial for Mythbusters with the old lady quoting the same myth. Right, I'm an old lady. But apparently, so I heard, I haven't had a chance to experiment for myself, that myth is true.

Coyote Ugly

So apparently Jessy has a new Coyote Ugly name...so not to be outdone I have to have one now too.

Especially since we are the famous bartenders of the future. I mean really, what guys wouldn't want us to pour them drinks and flirt and be rude and dance on flaming bartops and cut off their ponytails and pour ice on them, or spray them with water, or...well you get the idea if you've seen the movie.

So Jess is 'The Hawaiian Heartbreaker', she gets to be flirty but uninterrested. And I am 'The Cali Darling' and I get to be flirty but coy. Shanon, you have a barname too, but we don't know what state you were born in...your name will be 'The Name-of-Birth-State-Here Wit'. We thought it fit you. You can be flirty but mean.

I think Jessy's on to something...who cares about becoming a film director/producer, or in Shanon's case my person assistant, when we can party at work!! Hey yeah, hot guys here we come!!!!

What am I still doing here?

Ok...I've been on this computer since I woke up at 8am this morning...how lame. Mom stole my mouse and the little squb on my laptop is just not the same...also, I'm starving. If only I could tear myself away from this cyberworld. Maybe it will help when I start fall classes. August 22nd baby, yeah!
Eng 202 (critical thinking)
RTV 125 (begining video production)
Speech/Debate Team
I can't wait...I'm still a nerd, I know.

Ensign Crusher

Powered by Castpost.

~I was searching for information on how to change my lame blog into a really hip, film director/producer, artist at heart looking blog...when I found this:

http://www.wilwheaton.net/index.php

Oh my God!Oh myGod!Oh my God!Oh my God!Oh my God!Oh my God!

It's Wesley Crusher!!! My very nerdy childhood Crush(er).

~Yes, I was and still am a Trekkie. And proud to be. But only The Next Generation. My brother was the fan of DS9...which is basically daytime soap opera set in a nighttime sci-fi space station.

~The entire family would sit down in the living room every week to watch the episodes together. Seriously, three generations of my family; Grandma and Grandpa Ringle (when available), mom and dad, Brent and Jenni (and occassionally my Uncle Jon, when available); would sit in front of flickering lights from images of the USS Enterprise and listen to the voice of Captain Picard:

"Space, the final fronteer.

These are the voyages of the Startship Enterprise.

It's continuing mission to explore strange new worlds,

to seek out new life and new civilizations,

to boldly go where no one has gone before".

~I used to daydream about living in the Trekkie world and then moving onto the Enterprise and falling in love with ensign Crusher. *sigh* the good old days...But now I can read about the real man, Wil Wheaton, and his *gasp* wife and stepson. Whatev, I'll get over it.

~Just remembering the summers filled with discussions about season finally cliffhangers. What will happen now that Riker has opened fire on the Borg ship? Is Data really dead?...that was the real big one, how can they kill off that character?

Could I be any more geeky?

"Drop it like it's hot"

So here I am sitting in Jessyca's room while she is at work surfing through the web. So, I thought I might as well write a post.

I had a long conversation with the Hammond parental units last night. I love talking to them. They have alot of insight and wisdom and I really don't want them to move. But at least they will be in Dallas and that happens to be a place I travel to occassionally. Even more so now. Shanon I hope you are feeling better today.

The main topic of our convo was about challenging people and what the right approach to doing it is. Basically the three of us adhere to the train of though that, "People don't care what you know until they know how much you care". This is a statement engraved in my brain. I try to abide by it all times.

Elisa made a comment about how truth can be brutal, but when comming from someone who you know cares about your best interrest it is somehow easier to honestly listen, but from someone who doesn't have a relationship with you, or a good relationship with you, suddenly walls go up and the deffesive mode kicks into full gear.

I'm a back door kind of girl. Alot of my friends are more the bust through the front door kind of people. I admire that, 'cause I usually don't have the tenacity for it. I tend not to be as agressive and confrontational as lets say, Jessyca...j/k Jess, you're awesome. But I find that it works better, at least for me, if I drop a thought out there and then let the person sit on it for awhile. Probally works becuase if it is true then it will show itself so in time. Plus, if I've dropped the thought out there, the person will having it mulling around in their (un)contious. Eventually they will make their own decision about the subject.

I usually don't have to comment on it again. People are smart enough to think for themselves, sometimes they just need a nudge in the direction of where to think. Honeslty, I need this nudge every once in awhile too...well a 2x4 to the head works better sometimes.

Advice of the day: Drop it like it's hot.

Your Summer Anthem is Speed of Sound by Coldplay

All that noise, and all that sound,

All those places I got found.

And birds go flying at the speed of sound,

to show you how it all began.

You're out of your mind this summer, in a good way.

What's Your 2005 Summer Anthem?

"Speed Of Sound"

How long before I get in?

Before it starts, before I begin?

How long before you decide?

Before I know what it feels like?

Where To, where do I go?

If you never try, then you'll never know.

How long do I have to climb,

Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,

Planets are moving at the speed of light.

Climb up, up in the trees,

every chance that you get,is a chance you seize.

How long am I gonna stand,

with my head stuck under the sand?

I'll start before I can stop,

before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,

All those places I got found.

And birds go flying at the speed of sound,

to show you how it all began.

Birds came flying from the underground,

if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,

All the inventors could never design.

The buildings that you put up,

Japan and China all lit up.

The sign that I couldn't read,

or a light that I couldn't see,

some things you have to believe,

but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,

All those places I got found.

And birds go flying at the speed of sound,

to show you how it all began.

Birds came flying from the underground,

if you could see it then you'd understand,

ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.

Some things you can invent.

Some get made, and some get sent,

Ooh?

Birds go flying at the speed of sound,

to show you how it all began.

Birds came flying from the underground,

if you could see it then you'd understand,

ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

Powered by Castpost.

Stupid Charming Boys

So Monday night Sean was asking me about going into surgery and he caressed the side of my neck with the back of his hand. Looking up into his brown eyes while he did that...I about melted. What is it about that type of guy, you know, the intelligent, highly logical, abrasively honest, smooth talking, beautiful inside and out, that I fall for all the time? They leave me breathless.

Comparitively, Tuesday night I asked Ben to come up to my room before he left the house after the youth meeting. I needed a hug. And that was a rather difficult request because he had previously stated that he was uncomfortable hugging me still. But he did anyway, in fact, held me for a little while. He asked if I was scared. He was the first and only person that I admitted it to. His words of wisdom to me..."If you weren't scared it wouldn't require faith". Strangely enough, it made me feel better.

Two guys, very different and yet very similar to one another. Why me?

Tonight Ben confided in me something that happened to him today...well, more like something that had happened to him but he just found out about...whatev, this isn't about his story. The point is...he confided in me. I suddenly had a sense of loss. I wanted to confide in him..all the things that I have been feeling lately. Shanon and Jessyca are great...but they're not my best friend that I used to have. Mostly I think it's that they are not the person that I will one day 'become one with'. As much as Ben can piss me off right now, I found myself missing him, missing talking to him. He did hug be good-bye tonight.

And Sean? Well, I like him alot. I learned alot about myself in the short time that I've spent with him. I'd love toget to know him more. But he's not interrested in being that guy for me. We're at a point of agreeing to be friends that happen to be attracted to eachother but recognize that our differences are too great. Hence his picking up on girls at the party the other night. He basically shows casual polite disinterrest in me. Sucks.

So, for the male gender in my life, I'm currently stuck between the guy that I no longer want and who doesn't want me and the guy that I wish I could let myself want and who doesen't want me unless it includes being inside my pants too.

Sex *sigh*...it's more annoying to me right now than anything.

I'm trying to be patient...seriously, I am. But according to my girls I am no longer allowed to settle...and that's hard to do when I'm not so sure that a guy that meets my high standards actually exists...

Surgery

So I have not written about this in my blog yet because I didn't want to dwell on it. But now that the hardest part is over with, I think I'll talk.

I came home after a modified neck dissection surgery. I had cancer in my thyroid at nineteen and now at twenty-five is reared it's ugly head again.

Tuesday I passed the peeing-in-the-cup-test, the not-passing-out-while-drawing-blood test, and the standing-up-straight-for-the-x-ray test. I'm an A student apparently.

They gave me drug this morning that is usually for insomnia...to help make me sleepy. Subsequently, Dr. Bridges, the anasthesiologist, was histerical...or I was just already doped up. Dr. Mazer scolded me for my sunburnt shoulders and I proceeded to tell him about my photo shoot with Keith, Shanon's dad, at Balboa Park...

That was the last thing I remembered before waking up in my private room, thanks to the Hammonds who knew the President of the hospital, and there was all my family...it's good to be loved. I vaguely remembered that Dr. Mazer had asked me to shrug my left shoulder, which I had been able to do.

The surgery was a huge success, he didn't have to mess with any muscle, artery, bone, or nerve that would have caused permanent damage. There was reason to believe that would have been the case. It's amazing what a little faith and prayer can do, God is good.

I've been heeling up quickly. I came home the very next day, they took out the drain at the same time and the only thing is major uncomfortableness in the whole neck area. Everyday is better though, I can't wait to get the stiches out.

I also can't wait to get back to my usual life. Soon hopefully.

"I lub sqcubes, they're my favority"

Fourth of July 2005...what an interesting day. It started off with a not so joyful roadtrip out to the valley, but I'll leave most of that out. The destionation was not so much fun, but the company on the road always is, thanks Ma'J and Jessy. Somehow all three of us were up at 4:30-5am...amazing. Thanks to Kai I woke up to a puppy on my pillow, barking, and kisses.

The day comenced then with cleaning and breakfast and Bible study...where Jessyca and I couldn't seem to keep the addresses right...whatev. And Chris needs to learn not to eat all of the syrup!!

Long naps from Jess and I were long over due and welcomed...not that we had much choice, our bodies basically told us were would be napping.

N64 Tetris made it's way back into our lives today...hence the title quote, apparently this was also not a day for clear communication. (Thanks to George Lincoln...one of our unknown founding fathers)

Jessyca beat Ben and I at a game of Monopoly with $6,901. We finally just conceeded, because it was getting rediculous.

Papa J's food was cooked and we all enjoyed. The "adults over 30" left to watch the fireworks while the rest of us continued with Tetris. One of the most awesome games ever.

I recieved a phone call from Sean...that was a little strange in itself, and he invited me and any of my good looking female friends to a party. So I took Jessyca with me. About an hour latter we found ourselves following Sean into backwoods territory. The party consisted of a much younger crowd than was exspected. We did run into Abby though, and old friend from back in the day, it was good to see her. So we only knew a handful of people. A few cute guys hit on us. I watched Sean hit on other girls...strange that I was ok with that but still felt a twinge of jealousy over it...again, whatev. Jess and I proceeded to get ready to leave for home when Sean informed us that he and his blonde interest for the night had accidentally let one of the horses out...
I'll find out the ending of that story later I'm sure.

So now back home I'm letting you all in on the endeavors of the day. But Gatsby is getting ansy for me to get into bed and I have an early day...So God Bless All and America Bless God.

"...the more we know God's law,

the clearer it becomes that we aren't obeying it."

Romans 3:20b